October 21, 2015
Of course Im flying right now. When am I not?
Im going from phx-den. Back to work I go. I love my job.
Today I want to explore my thoughts and ideas on what lessons people who come in and out of our life teach us. Recently I had a certain someone walk into my life and through the ups and downs, I can honestly say this person did more good than damage and thats a really positive thing to say, especially since this person is no longer in my life.
heres the real stuff.
A couple months ago I was struggling with my faith. Not in the way where I question the existence of God, but the way where all this fear and anxiety grounded me, not allowing me to enjoy anything. I had this constant fear that I was going to die before I could figure out what I believed. I lived everyday in this fear. My life was kind of upside down, I had just gotten this new job, my DREAM job, I had to put everything in storage, and live out of one suitcase. it was very sudden and I don't think I was fully prepared for it all. During inflight training they taught us everything, including how to handle emergencies and I feel like thats where the fear really showed its appearance in my life. I kept having this fear that I was going to die, and kept wondering what was going to happen when I die? I would get to my hotel and be so afraid to fall asleep. I was alone, and scared. Finally one night I opened the bible and I landed right on the verse “Lord help my unbelief” and I lost it. I cried out, God show me who you are, show me the truth, show me the light, and LORD please, help my unbelief.
I am a very sure of myself girl. Im super independent in almost an unhealthy way. I block people out and I have a hard time being super vulnerable. I started to talk to a certain person who made me feel comfortable to express my deep rooted feelings and fears. He shared videos of sermons and talked about his experiences and for the first time I felt peace. I remember one of the first nights we really talked, I got sent a video to watch and it was the first time in a long time I felt God in the room with me. Holding me. Breathing for me.
It was exactly what my soul needed.
This person continued to be in my life, speaking life, advice, and encouragement to me.
He would always ask me, “Aren’t you tired? don’t you need to go to bed?”
I would just laugh and say no... Although I felt comfortable around this person I still didn’t know how to tell him or let alone anyone that I was scared to go to sleep. Sounds morbid, I know. But it was true. Little by little I stopped feeling so alone, and looked forward to these talks. Falling asleep became easier and going to work became exciting.
To this day I still don’t know why those conversations stopped and maybe I will never know that reason, and thats ok. Because I do know, in a weird way God used that man to reveal a lot to me and about me.
I cried out to God for him to show me who He was, show me truth, show me light, and to help my unbelief and He did just that. For THAT, I’m forever grateful. Because the courage I have now, the healthy self assurance I have gained, and the confidence I have in the creator of the world has grown so exponentially I thank the LORD for the people he brought in my life and the people he has taken away.
Sometimes you learn big lessons from people and sometimes you learn that a perfectly good friendship can come to an end. Jesus has his ways, and they will always be above mine, and although sometimes I miss those certain late night talks, I trust who God brings into my life, and who he takes out.
and I pray he continues to do so.
You are not alone. You do not have to be scared. And in the moments you need Him the most, cry out. For He hears your prayers. Take comfort in that.
-k