2016. Heavy.
currently looking at my new planner for 2017, and forcing myself to reflect on 2016.
My roommate Zoey said it would be good to reflect and write about my year as if no one is going to read it.
I learned so much this year, some tough lessons; but looking back this has been my favorite year although it has been my hardest one yet.
I learned being tough isn’t strong and being timid isn’t weak. I learned that being humble is important and being confident is just as equal. I learned respecting myself is key to respecting others. Same with love. God showed me being quiet in times I wanted to talk is obedience, not a sacrifice. Choosing rest over FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) had a way of working itself out in making me more present than ever before. God revealed that not caring what others think is not the same as not caring how others think.
God revealed my voice louder than ever before in my quietest season.
In 2016 I stepped foot in 11 countries (Taiwan, Thailand, Mexico, England, Germany, Belgium, Italy, Vatican City, Spain, France & Puerto Rico, United States) Spent the equivalent to 71 Days at 38,000 ft working. 1,704 hours to be exact. Have visited 49 out of the 50 states. Moved to Minneapolis. Met countless numbers of new friends. Started writing a book. Read 43 books. Started studying the bible. Found a church to join in Minneapolis. Joined two other churches online.
Somehow I still found myself struggling with anger, immense anger and great sadness. I had no idea where it was stemming from, or what was triggering it.
I started dissecting everything in my life, my family, my friends, my job, my new home, my calling, my passions, myself…… and God.
I was angry at everything. I can’t even explain how much anger I was carrying inside my heart.
Angry at my family for being so far, even though that was my choice.
Angry at my friends for not caring how and where I was.
Angry at my job from taking me away from people who love me to be treated like crap from passengers who don’t care about me.
Angry at my new home because I never got to be there.
Angry at my calling in life because it was a big reminder of what I was not doing in life.
Angry at my passions for not being strong enough to pull me out of my anger.
Angry at myself for not having enough energy to care anymore about anyone, or anything.
Angry at God for not answering my heart cries.
I carried this anger for over six months. Slapping a smile on my face while watching my anger leak out of my heart onto people I loved like poison in my words. Oh how this made me more angry and sad.
I hid.
I quieted myself before the Lord and prayed. I learned who God was to me. I learned our special and perfectly designed language with each other. I learned to recognize His voice, His warmth, His strength. I took the best advice I was given and gave it all to the Lord. All the anger, all the sadness. Promised that He could handle it. I came before Him and laid it all out at His feet. Sobbing.
“Lord I’m beginning to hate who I am. This isn’t me.”
It wasn’t just me noticing it, it started to pull peoples attention. It started to have conversations. It started to have its own life outside of me.
I started seeing thing outside of the natural. I started noticing the enemy crouching in the corner of conversations. Everything started to become more clear. There is no gray. Its God or its the enemy.
I started to be more aware of my actions, my words, my thoughts. I started filling my time in Gods word and prayer. I started taking care of my body. I learned Checks and Balances on my heart health, soul health, and spiritual health.
3 months. My life drastically changed in 3 months. A change that not only I could see, but everyone else around me could as well.
There was a presence of peace that took the place of anger.
I read something not too long ago by Lisa Bevere that said, “If your prayers aren’t scaring you, they aren’t scaring the enemy.”
If there is anything this year taught me its you have to pray the scary things. You have to pray the prayers admitting what you know is holding your heart captive. Somewhere I let the enemy dosed my heart with anger, little by little over time till it was overflowing. I had to admit I struggled with anger. Something I kept trying to deny because I never had dealt with anger before. I didn’t realize I could give my anger to God. I prayed furiously with the expectancy of the LORD and heaven on my side. You have to push into the pain to get to the other side. You won’t be able to do it on your own so don’t try, you need God. If you ever snow boarded you know the only way to go down the mountain is to lean forward towards the mountain. When you pray these prayers God will take your hand and you will start leaning forward. At first you’ll be scared. Thats ok, so was I, I was terrified. But then you’ll learn something beautiful. Just like snow boarding, you don’t snow board to get to the destination, you board to enjoy the ride, the thrill, the fear, the dodging, the tumbling, and the reward of accomplishing the mountain. Pushing into pain isn’t all about getting to the end and being healed, its about the journey to healing. It will show you being tough isn’t strong and being timid isn’t weak. Being humble is important and being confident is just as equal. Respecting yourself is key to respecting others. Same with love. Being quiet in times you want to talk is obedience, not a sacrifice. Choosing rest over FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) has a way of working itself out in making you more present than ever before. God will reveal that not caring what others think is not the same as not caring how others think. And most of all God will show you He can handle it all. You will establish a relationship no church, no friend, no family, no spouse, no pastor can ever break.
I’ve never felt more free friends.
I have God on my side.
And if God is for me, who can be against me.
Bring it on 2017.