summer score

There is a summer storm outside my window right now

and it reminds me of home

it’s crisp and warm

and makes me homesick for a place I never let myself mourn

It’s funny how trauma can lock me out of access 

to my own memories

how my brain becomes a battleground of what's granted entry 

how years can replace any sense of familiarity 

until it rains and floods my sucky sense of security

it shocks me like a bolt of lightning to uncover all that I’ve been hiding

to shine a light on the darkness I’ve been secretly fighting

and everyone has been praying for rain

but I didn’t know it’d bring all this pain

because my body kept score

even when I stopped counting

all because I thought distance would be enough to distract me

but i'm smarter than I give myself credit for 

deep down I know I’ve been here for before

up against the world

in the middle of a shit storm

but I won’t run this time

because mother nature always seems to find me

and to be honest that sounds quite exhausting 

to constantly suppress deep grief with new toxins

i’m ready for change- 

for sunnier days

and I’m willing to put in all the work I know it’ll take

-kayls