all the things I claim to hate

I tell myself I can’t get excited this time

I tell myself to lie and hide

from my feelings deep inside

 because they only disappoint 

I turn the knob of the static channel 

that is my mind on

I drown out any thought of love

-any thought of joy

-anything that could possibly resemble the heartache that always seems to follow when I think someone is great 

and maybe that’s my mistake

 I reject myself before he ever could

 I sabotage any chance that ever stood

because I’ve been burned one too many times

and how many times can I cry

before my tears eventually run dry?

how many is too many?

before the fault suddenly becomes mine?

because I love too deeply and I’m far too kind

so I tell myself I can’t get excited this time

I tell myself to lie and hide

from the way I feel deep inside

to be alone-  but secretly hold out hope

that maybe one day he will stay

and then I’ll have no choice but to embrace all the feelings I claim to hate.

-kayls