Song: Wasteland, Needtobreathe
There has been so many thoughts and ideas I have been keeping inside for so many years. I’m currently looking at over 300 entries I’ve written to be published but never have. Maybe it’s the fear of being vulnerable? Letting someone (the internet), who has done nothing to deserve it, see inside my very guarded mind and heart. The more time passes, the more entries I write, the more and more I have a desire to finally share things that I’m realizing.
I’m realizing the things you only learn through personal experience, age, and life. The things that make you, YOU. Vulnerability, man that’s a sucker punch to my gut. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a very open person, I don’t hold back my purpose and life story in fear of what others may say. I don’t view anyone as a stranger. Everyone is a friend I haven’t met yet. But one day it dawned on me that I disguised my fear of being vulnerable with people by actually being vulnerable. If I'm overly open to everyone then I’m not really saying anything new. I’m not having to overcome any new fear of rejection. If they don’t like what I have to say, that’s ok. I don’t hold it close to my heart because it’s not like they know something about me that others don’t...
I disconnected my emotions from everything as a defense mechanism. For an example, I knew someone who was going through a breakup, around the same exact time I was. I watched her hurt, cry, and fall into this deep depression over this breakup. I then looked at myself, who was fine. I kept comparing myself to her. Why do I not hurt the way she does? Why am I not tossing and turning at night? Why can’t I cry over this? Its not that I didn't care about this guy I was dating. I did. I cared a lot. I had moved back to Tennessee for this guy. I had plans of a future with him. I was vulnerable (or so I told myself) and now this guy was no longer in my life.
I remember I would cry over the fact that I couldn't cry about him. It took a while to figure out that I hadn’t been vulnerable at all with him, let alone anyone. I was “vulnerable” in the way of letting them see only what I wanted them to see. I wouldn’t show anger, hurt, sadness, or joy. I would show what I thought was enough. To be honest, I didn’t even show myself these feelings. I disconnected my emotions from my day to day life.
I’m learning how to be vulnerable, how to be real, how to love myself. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m scared to be real with myself only because I’m scared of the things that have been stripped of me. I’m scared of what the sad girl that I never dealt with has grown into. I’m scared of the scars that will show what I’ve gone through and most of all I’ve been scared of what I would do if I couldn’t love the girl who stood in front of me.
I did what most people would do, I kept pretending she wasn’t there. I kept pretending that people didn’t disappoint me, people didn’t hurt me, boys wouldn’t use me, and friends wouldn’t ditch me. Do you know where that got me? No where. So I stood in front of the mirror. I started to undress myself. I told myself every lie the enemy wanted me to hear. I hit the low. I hit the unattractive. I stared at the emotional scars all over my body. The ones that screamed sexually assaulted, the ones that screamed broken family, the scars so deep they didn’t scream anything at all anymore. The scars that screamed I would never be loved, heard, or understood. All these scars that could only be seen with my eyes. The ones that forced me to look beneath the surface and feel. I felt sadness, anger, disappointment. I felt vulnerable. I felt exposed. I felt shame. I felt grey.
But you know what.
“I see yellow.”
My therapist asked me what color I saw.
“yellow.” I responded.
My scars started to disappear, my anger started to crumble, my disappointment turned into acceptance and my sadness turned yellow.
I closed my eyes and viewed myself through God’s eyes and I saw yellow.
So here is something new for all of you to know. When I see yellow it reminds me how I use to view myself and how God views me. It reminded me that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to choose who I tell my story with, to be hurt, disappointed, and to feel. The only way to move on is to feel.
A memory isn’t just one feeling, it’s multiple. Sometimes you have to feel sadness to feel joy. Sometimes you have to hurt, but when you start seeing yellow, smile.
It has taken me a while to smile. A while to find myself. A while to love myself. I had to go to the darkest corners to realize I allowed myself to be a backup girl to guys because I would rather be loved third than not at all. I had to find myself in the pit of disappointment when I became as vulnerable as I could possibly be to someone and they walked away.
Because now I know I’m yellow.
Now I know what I’m worth. I’m worthy of love, to be heard, to be understood.
I’m worth being someone’s number one, but I don’t need a significant other to be significant.
And if you don’t understand, that’s okay because this wasn’t made for you. It was made for me, and I’m smiling as I finish this post, because I just looked up and I realized I’m sitting in a room painted yellow.