For the days I have to remind myself I am only 22.
I act quite older than my age and I’d like to say I’m very mature for a twenty-two year old, but thats just the point, Im only twenty-two. Comparison is a thief of joy and I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of comparing.
I am the youngest of eight. I have a mixed family that includes 4 older siblings and 3 older step-sisters (Whom I love dearly) The closest sibling in age is my older brother Kameron, we are only 22 months apart. After that the age gap between me and my older siblings are 12+ years. Because I grew up with all older brothers and sisters I took on a lot of their characteristics. By the age of 7 I would try to include myself in adult conversations and act like I was just one of the adults. I was the true definition of 13 going on 30. So of course it was no surprise when I was a freshman in high school all of my friends were juniors and seniors. Its not that I didn’t like the kids my age I just felt like I had nothing in common with them.
The older I got the larger the age gaps became between my friends and I. When I hit my twenties my friends were at least 5 years older than me and I found myself dating guys who were a lot older than me as well. I wanted to surround myself or be around intellectual thinkers who would push me beyond simplistic thinking. And I felt like the older they were, the more mature they would be; the more mature, the wiser they would be; the wiser they were, the more I would learn from them. I wasn’t opposed to having friends my age, it just never worked out that way. Whenever I tried to have a conversation with peers my age, it always ended in, “do you want to go to a party with me?” or after pouring my heart out I would get a response like, “Ahh I’m sorry, that sucks, anyways….” I felt like I couldn’t relate. Im not saying that was the case with everyone, but if I had to cite a specific reason why all my friends were older than me, that would be it.
As I said earlier, comparison is the thief of joy, and man did I feel like my joy was getting robbed. I kept comparing myself to my friends who were 25-30 years old. I would ask myself why didn’t I have a husband or boyfriend like they did? Why didn’t I have a career like them? Why didn’t I own my own house? A dog? Why wasn’t I thinking about kids? All these life experiences that I was nowhere close to experiencing. I felt like I was constantly trailing behind. I would find myself apologizing for not being on the same page, or for acting “immature” in certain situations. I felt this because I would forget I was only 22 years old, something my friends would also forget.
It wasn’t until about a year ago when I started dating this guy who was eight years older than me that I realized I will never be on the same page as those around me. I was just starting my career in aviation and he was in the midst of his as a roadie for bands out of Nashville. I specifically remember one day having an argument where he accused me of being immature. I responded as any 21 year old would do, I asked in a very condescending voice, “I’d like to know what you were doing at my age because I guarantee you were not as successful then as I am now.” He replied, “You know what, I wasn’t, but thats okay because I needed to go through everything I went through to be here.” And that’s when it hit me. I may not be on the same level as my friends who are older than me. I also may not be on the same level as my friends my age. I’m not supposed to be. I’m not supposed to be on any level other than my own, and the sooner I realized and accepted this, the sooner I would be able to focus on “me" and where I was going.
It wasn’t easy, and it still isn’t. Sometimes I look at friends and say, “Ah man, I wish I was doing what x, y, and z are doing.” I have to remind myself, they didn’t get to where they are in life now overnight. They were 22 once, they had to make hard decisions once, they had to go through the wringer and a couple of wrong turns to get to where they are. It’s so easy to be attracted to someone who seems like they have everything figured out. You see them as a whole, as a pretty final product. You didn’t see the pain and suffering and the joy it took for them to get there. You just see what’s in front of you.
Yes, I am twenty-two. I may not act like it, I may look like I’m 14, I may have a career and stability within that career, I may decide to eat pizza everyday and then I may decide to put 12% of my paycheck into my 401(k). My life does not ever have to reflect someone else’s expectations. I have to go through what I’m going to go through to get one step closer to who God has called me to be. Not everyone’s path is going to look the same, nor should they ever expect it to be the same. For the times I have to remind myself that I’m only twenty-two, I tell myself to smile. I remind myself of all that I will get to accomplish in the future and the things I get to work towards. I think about all the opportunities that will arise for me to fight for myself and become The Warrior in who I am called to be. There is so much joy, pain, love, and growth to experience between now and then. Those are the times I thank God I am only twenty-two.
-k