Honestly, I have a hard time writing about this because as I ask you this questions, I ask myself it too… Sometimes my answers surprise me and make me really dive deep into my faith. Because if we are being authentic here, I don’t trust, not like I want to. And it’s not that I don’t want to, I do, I yearn to, I inspire to, but every time I compare, every time I doubt my soul is really screaming I don’t trust.
Is that true?
Let me tell you a story about the honest truth, and the lies the enemy tried to sell me.
I went to Thailand. Something in my heart screamed to go. I don’t know why. I never had any desire to go to Asia. But I had a friend out there, a tug on my heart, and a willingness to let God move. So I went.
I was terrified to fly. Yes, you read that correctly. I was scared to get on the plane. I felt like a kid terrified of a roller coaster. Sitting down in my seat was like sitting on the ride. As I fastened my seatbelt I visualized the bar come down. As the plane pushed from the gate this emotion of being committed to the trip sunk in. There was no going back now and any fear I had I had to face in the eye.
Sounds a little strange, right? A flight attendant being scared of flying?
And this is where the lies began. The enemy tried to make me scared. After a couple of tactics the enemy tried to use on me I started to catch on that I was being attacked but I wasn’t fully convinced until this lie crept into my mind; you’re too fat to go to Thailand.
Thats when I said, “Satan get off me!”
My biggest insecurity came out… The feeling of failure. The feeling of unworthiness. The feeling of being undesirable. The feeling that I was overweight.
I have PCOS, which means cyst grow on my ovaries causing a hormone imbalance. When your hormones are out of whack, you struggle with infertility, have problems using insulin, and unwanted weight gain. In Nov of 2014 my hormones went crazy and I gained about 20 pounds and i’ve struggled losing it ever since. I went from being fit and small, to not recognizing myself in the mirror.
I knew I would see my friend in Thailand but the last time he saw me was months before I gained weight. I felt embarrassed.
As I write this, I’m laughing, because when you say it out loud and write it down its completely ridiculous.
I called my other friend and told her everything that was going on. I said “I don’t need advice, I just need to vent”, because I knew shame couldn’t live when spoken out loud.
I questioned, why am I listening to the enemy and not listening to the Holy Spirit?
When I ask myself do I trust God? Yes; but then I remind myself of all the times I’ve failed.
Do I trust that God will use me in big ways? Yes; yet everyday I wake up wondering if I am missing open doors.
Do I trust that if I’m called somewhere, nothing will stop me from achieving that? Yes; but what if my parents don’t agree with that calling? What if I fall flat on my face?
Do I trust that if it’s in God’s will, will I get married? Yes. But what if it isn’t in God’s will? Do I really trust that God will provide the man of my dreams? I get down on myself and tell myself, Kaylie, why do you think you deserve the man of your dreams?
So do I really trust? Heres the kicker. You could read everything I wrote and say, “Wow, that girl doubts a lot, she doesn’t have any self confidence.” or you may say, “Holy moly, I feel every word she typed.” Let me guess, you’re that last one? And maybe if we are being super honest, you’re thinking both.
Ask yourself what was the common denominator in all my responses? I doubted, I questioned, I put myself down. I gave myself reasons to not trust. I listened to the lies of the enemy, because Satan knows, if Kaylie believes in herself and trust the LORD fully she is going to do kingdom work and I can’t have that. You know what? Satan can be pretty convincing. “Lets put salt in her every wound. Don’t let her believe her worth. Don’t let her view herself as beautiful. Make her doubt her relationship with God.”
Doubt is unstable, indecisive.
Trust is a decision.
I chose to change my perspective and listen to the Holy Spirit.
Everyday I wake up allowing God to move in me. I seek him earnestly and I know that if God opens a door I will be in tune with the spirit and I won’t be blinded from it. When I feel a calling on my heart I trust that the LORD will speak to me in ways unimaginable. I trust that the LORD who created my heart knows how to satisfy it. I trust that the people I surround myself around will uplift and respect what I feel called to do. I trust that one day someone will love me the way I love others.
Satan knew that God was going to do something in my heart in Thailand. Satan tried to scare me, tear me down, tell me I was unworthy, that I was unlovable.
I am glad I had no choice but to face my fears.
Thailand renewed my spirit. I fell in love with the people, the city, the food, but most of all I fell in love with God again. God showed me more of his beautiful creations, reminding me I am apart of that, that I am worthy, and lovable, that there is nothing in this world that can satisfy my soul like he does, and for that reason I choose to trust. God is the God of truth. If you need a reminder, Hebrew 6:18, “so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. 19 this hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both secure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek.”
Don’t let Satan convince you that you don’t trust in God. Let your doubt drive you deeper into God promises for your life. If you don’t know what that is, ask because, James 1:5-8, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” Don’t be tossed around, let God’s truth be your anchor, choose to trust and change your perspective. It’s the one time I will say, the grass is really greener on the other side.