Name

I like when you say my name

it sounds better spilling from your lips

I like when you send my name

the letters dance in the text 

of your message

it never felt like mine until it found home in your tone

and when you whisper it softly

I know I’m never alone

-kayls

Linear Timing

I wonder if my therapist gets tired of my antics

my mom said I must be easy money

since Lucy gets paid one hundred and twenty dollars an hour to listen to me vent

and I wonder if there’s any truth to it

my mom said

she must not be that great 

if I’ve gone for ten years and I still got hate

in my heart, but I’m sure you’ve caught on by now

you can work hard on yourself 

and still not have it figured out

man my mom must be perfect

to not experience all this hurting

to drop casual comments that bruise the canvas of my healing

but not everyone will understand the hand that I’m dealing 

with, not even me

and it’s hard to believe 

that I’m making any progress

when the path to wholeness

is not measured in linear timing

-kayls

What I gave up for you

I gave up coffee four years ago

I thought it was too hard on my heart

I gave away my clothes

that no longer served my body or soul

I hit the gym - to build endurance

and I volunteered more - to learn patience

I strived for health in every aspect of my life

only to realize

I had no other choice

I gave up every “toxic” thing to create space for you to move in

I treated my well being like a phone that was full

deleting everything that brought me joy

to keep my 72,000 photos

Because I knew I couldn’t keep both

I knew I would be on overload to keep you

so I deleted anything I claimed unhealthy to do

but you were the virus

that sucked me dry

so and the end of the day

nothing true to me survived

-kayls

all the things I claim to hate

I tell myself I can’t get excited this time

I tell myself to lie and hide

from my feelings deep inside

 because they only disappoint 

I turn the knob of the static channel 

that is my mind on

I drown out any thought of love

-any thought of joy

-anything that could possibly resemble the heartache that always seems to follow when I think someone is great 

and maybe that’s my mistake

 I reject myself before he ever could

 I sabotage any chance that ever stood

because I’ve been burned one too many times

and how many times can I cry

before my tears eventually run dry?

how many is too many?

before the fault suddenly becomes mine?

because I love too deeply and I’m far too kind

so I tell myself I can’t get excited this time

I tell myself to lie and hide

from the way I feel deep inside

to be alone-  but secretly hold out hope

that maybe one day he will stay

and then I’ll have no choice but to embrace all the feelings I claim to hate.

-kayls

summer score

There is a summer storm outside my window right now

and it reminds me of home

it’s crisp and warm

and makes me homesick for a place I never let myself mourn

It’s funny how trauma can lock me out of access 

to my own memories

how my brain becomes a battleground of what's granted entry 

how years can replace any sense of familiarity 

until it rains and floods my sucky sense of security

it shocks me like a bolt of lightning to uncover all that I’ve been hiding

to shine a light on the darkness I’ve been secretly fighting

and everyone has been praying for rain

but I didn’t know it’d bring all this pain

because my body kept score

even when I stopped counting

all because I thought distance would be enough to distract me

but i'm smarter than I give myself credit for 

deep down I know I’ve been here for before

up against the world

in the middle of a shit storm

but I won’t run this time

because mother nature always seems to find me

and to be honest that sounds quite exhausting 

to constantly suppress deep grief with new toxins

i’m ready for change- 

for sunnier days

and I’m willing to put in all the work I know it’ll take

-kayls