Pushing into the pain

2016. Heavy.

currently looking at my new planner for 2017, and forcing myself to reflect on 2016.

My roommate Zoey said it would be good to reflect and write about my year as if no one is going to read it. 

I learned so much this year, some tough lessons; but looking back this has been my favorite year although it has been my hardest one yet.

I learned being tough isn’t strong and being timid isn’t weak. I learned that being humble is important and being confident is just as equal. I learned respecting myself is key to respecting others. Same with love. God showed me being quiet in times I wanted to talk is obedience, not a sacrifice. Choosing rest over FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) had a way of working itself out in making me more present than ever before. God revealed that not caring what others think is not the same as not caring how others think. 

God revealed my voice louder than ever before in my quietest season. 

In 2016 I stepped foot in 11 countries (Taiwan, Thailand, Mexico, England, Germany, Belgium, Italy, Vatican City, Spain, France & Puerto Rico, United States) Spent the equivalent to 71 Days at 38,000 ft working. 1,704 hours to be exact. Have visited 49 out of the 50 states. Moved to Minneapolis. Met countless numbers of new friends. Started writing a book. Read 43 books. Started studying the bible. Found a church to join in Minneapolis. Joined two other churches online.

Somehow I still found myself struggling with anger, immense anger and great sadness. I had no idea where it was stemming from, or what was triggering it. 

I started dissecting everything in my life, my family, my friends, my job, my new home, my calling, my passions, myself…… and God. 

I was angry at everything. I can’t even explain how much anger I was carrying inside my heart.

Angry at my family for being so far, even though that was my choice.

Angry at my friends for not caring how and where I was.

Angry at my job from taking me away from people who love me to be treated like crap from passengers who don’t care about me.

Angry at my new home because I never got to be there.

Angry at my calling in life because it was a big reminder of what I was not doing in life.

Angry at my passions for not being strong enough to pull me out of my anger.

Angry at myself for not having enough energy to care anymore about anyone, or anything. 

Angry at God for not answering my heart cries.

I carried this anger for over six months. Slapping a smile on my face while watching my anger leak out of my heart onto people I loved like poison in my words.  Oh how this made me more angry and sad. 

I hid.

I quieted myself before the Lord and prayed. I learned who God was to me. I learned our special and perfectly designed language with each other. I learned to recognize His voice, His warmth, His strength. I took the best advice I was given and gave it all to the Lord. All the anger, all the sadness. Promised that He could handle it. I came before Him and laid it all out at His feet. Sobbing. 

“Lord I’m beginning to hate who I am. This isn’t me.” 

It wasn’t just me noticing it, it started to pull peoples attention. It started to have conversations. It started to have its own life outside of me.

I started seeing thing outside of the natural. I started noticing the enemy crouching in the corner of conversations. Everything started to become more clear. There is no gray. Its God or its the enemy. 

I started to be more aware of my actions, my words, my thoughts. I started filling my time in Gods word and prayer. I started taking care of my body. I learned Checks and Balances on my heart health, soul health, and spiritual health. 

3 months. My life drastically changed in 3 months. A change that not only I could see, but everyone else around me could as well.

There was a presence of peace that took the place of anger. 

I read something not too long ago by Lisa Bevere that said, “If your prayers aren’t scaring you, they aren’t scaring the enemy.”

If there is anything this year taught me its you have to pray the scary things. You have to pray the prayers admitting what you know is holding your heart captive. Somewhere I let the enemy dosed my heart with anger, little by little over time till it was overflowing. I had to admit I struggled with anger. Something I kept trying to deny because I never had dealt with anger before. I didn’t realize I could give my anger to God. I prayed furiously with the expectancy of the LORD and heaven on my side. You have to push into the pain to get to the other side. You won’t be able to do it on your own so don’t try, you need God. If you ever snow boarded you know the only way to go down the mountain is to lean forward towards the mountain. When you pray these prayers God will take your hand and you will start leaning forward. At first you’ll be scared. Thats ok, so was I, I was terrified. But then you’ll learn something beautiful. Just like snow boarding, you don’t snow board to get to the destination, you board to enjoy the ride, the thrill, the fear, the dodging, the tumbling, and the reward of accomplishing the mountain. Pushing into pain isn’t all about getting to the end and being healed, its about the journey to healing. It will show you being tough isn’t strong and being timid isn’t weak. Being humble is important and being confident is just as equal. Respecting yourself is key to respecting others. Same with love. Being quiet in times you want to talk is obedience, not a sacrifice. Choosing rest over FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) has a way of working itself out in making you more present than ever before. God will reveal that not caring what others think is not the same as not caring how others think. And most of all God will show you He can handle it all. You will establish a relationship no church, no friend, no family, no spouse, no pastor can ever break. 

I’ve never felt more free friends.

I have God on my side. 

And if God is for me, who can be against me.

Bring it on 2017.

Let's start dreaming big

A few weeks ago I was grabbing a drink with John Paul- a friend I met on my flight back from Thailand. If you live in the Phoenix area or are going to be visiting the area soon, you should definitely check out Sip! It's an old jiffy lube turned into a cool coffee/bar! (www.sipcoffeeandbeerhouse.com) My friend John Paul and I were talking about dreams and passions when he shared a little bit of his 30-by-30 list with me. He asked me if I had ever heard of it before, which I hadn't. Basically it's exactly what it sounds like; it's a list of 30 things you would like to accomplish by 30 years old. If you're older than 30 it's okay, you can still come up with something similar for you (such as a bucket list). Once I heard about it, I was challenged to write one for myself. Obviously I had a list in mind for a long time, but this was the first time I actually wrote one out; being as crazy and wild as I could imagine, I gave myself no limitations. What are my dreams? So after a couple of weeks of staring at this daring list. I decided to share it with you!

I choose to start from scratch and not involve any of my past travels so we are all in this together. 

My 30-by-30 List: 

1. Go sailing around the Bahamas
2. Surprise someone I love with something big, trip, party, vacation, ect.
3. Write a book
4. Lead a mission trip
5. Dance in the Dead Sea
6. Lead a small group/community group
7. See the northern lights
8. Run a marathon
9. Speak at a conference
10. Pay for someone else's travel
11. Surf in Cape Town, South Africa
12. Road trip around the states in a jeep
13. Learn to play the guitar
14. Snowboard in the Swiss Alps
15. Go on a safari
16. Read 52 books in 52 weeks
17. Visit every continent
18. Build a cabin
19. Learn a new language
20. Skate board in Hawaii
21. Camp in Death Valley
22. Get a divinity degree
23. Zip line in Costa Rica
24. Ride a camel through the Moroccan Desert
25. Glacier point at Yosemite
26. Sign up to "Surf Joust" at Bro-Am
27. Go to a country with absolutely no plans
28. Visit the Blue Grotto
29. Join a church
30. Ice hike glaciers in Iceland 

Why don't you join me? As I try to knock off these bullet points in the next 7 years you're going to be on this crazy journey with me. Who is ready to be seriously determined? Let's do this together.

I would LOVE to see your list and know how I can help you accomplish whatever it is!

So on top of encouraging you to write your list, I'm going to do a giveaway. 

How to enter, 

1. Follow -@TheKaylieBrooke on instagram and tag 3 friends in the comments

2.  Post your #1 thing you want to accomplish on your 30-by-30 list and tag me

3. Hashtag #letsstartdreamingbig

The winner will win a $50 gift card to go towards what their #1 dream is. 

Lets start dreaming big! I can't wait to see your lists! 

do you trust God's promises?

Honestly, I have a hard time writing about this because as I ask you this questions, I ask myself it too… Sometimes my answers surprise me and make me really dive deep into my faith. Because if we are being authentic here, I don’t trust, not like I want to. And it’s not that I don’t want to, I do, I yearn to, I inspire to, but every time I compare, every time I doubt my soul is really screaming I don’t trust. 

Is that true?

Let me tell you a story about the honest truth, and the lies the enemy tried to sell me.

I went to Thailand. Something in my heart screamed to go. I don’t know why. I never had any desire to go to Asia. But I had a friend out there, a tug on my heart, and a willingness to let God move. So I went. 

I was terrified to fly. Yes, you read that correctly. I was scared to get on the plane. I felt like a kid terrified of a roller coaster. Sitting down in my seat was like sitting on the ride. As I fastened my seatbelt I visualized the bar come down. As the plane pushed from the gate this emotion of being committed to the trip sunk in. There was no going back now and any fear I had I had to face in the eye.

Sounds a little strange, right? A flight attendant being scared of flying?

And this is where the lies began. The enemy tried to make me scared.  After a couple of tactics the enemy tried to use on me I started to catch on that I was being attacked but I wasn’t fully convinced until this lie crept into my mind; you’re too fat to go to Thailand. 

Thats when I said, “Satan get off me!”

My biggest insecurity came out… The feeling of failure. The feeling of unworthiness. The feeling of being undesirable. The feeling that I was overweight. 

I have PCOS, which means cyst grow on my ovaries causing a hormone imbalance. When your hormones are out of whack, you struggle with infertility, have problems using insulin, and unwanted weight gain. In Nov of 2014 my hormones went crazy and I gained about 20 pounds and i’ve struggled losing it ever since. I went from being fit and small, to not recognizing myself in the mirror.

I knew I would see my friend in Thailand but the last time he saw me was months before I gained weight. I felt embarrassed.

As I write this, I’m laughing, because when you say it out loud and write it down its completely ridiculous.  

I called my other friend and told her everything that was going on. I said “I don’t need advice, I just need to vent”, because I knew shame couldn’t live when spoken out loud. 

I questioned, why am I listening to the enemy and not listening to the Holy Spirit?

When I ask myself do I trust God? Yes; but then I remind myself of all the times I’ve failed. 

Do I trust that God will use me in big ways? Yes; yet everyday I wake up wondering if I am missing open doors. 

Do I trust that if I’m called somewhere, nothing will stop me from achieving that? Yes; but what if my parents don’t agree with that calling? What if I fall flat on my face? 

Do I trust that if it’s in God’s will, will I get married? Yes. But what if it isn’t in God’s will? Do I really trust that God will provide the man of my dreams? I get down on myself and tell myself, Kaylie, why do you think you deserve the man of your dreams?

So do I really trust? Heres the kicker. You could read everything I wrote and say, “Wow, that girl doubts a lot, she doesn’t have any self confidence.” or you may say, “Holy moly, I feel every word she typed.” Let me guess, you’re that last one? And maybe if we are being super honest, you’re thinking both.

Ask yourself what was the common denominator in all my responses? I doubted, I questioned, I put myself down. I gave myself reasons to not trust. I listened to the lies of the enemy, because Satan knows, if Kaylie believes in herself and trust the LORD fully she is going to do kingdom work and I can’t have that. You know what? Satan can be pretty convincing. “Lets put salt in her every wound. Don’t let her believe her worth. Don’t let her view herself as beautiful. Make her doubt her relationship with God.” 

Doubt is unstable, indecisive.

Trust is a decision.

I chose to change my perspective and listen to the Holy Spirit.

Everyday I wake up allowing God to move in me. I seek him earnestly and I know that if God opens a door I will be in tune with the spirit and I won’t be blinded from it. When I feel a calling on my heart I trust that the LORD will speak to me in ways unimaginable. I trust that the LORD who created my heart knows how to satisfy it. I trust that the people I surround myself around will uplift and respect what I feel called to do. I trust that one day someone will love me the way I love others. 

Satan knew that God was going to do something in my heart in Thailand. Satan tried to scare me, tear me down, tell me I was unworthy, that I was unlovable. 

I am glad I had no choice but to face my fears.

Thailand renewed my spirit. I fell in love with the people, the city, the food, but most of all I fell in love with God again. God showed me more of his beautiful creations, reminding me I am apart of that, that I am worthy, and lovable, that there is nothing in this world that can satisfy my soul like he does, and for that reason I choose to trust. God is the God of truth. If you need a reminder, Hebrew 6:18, “so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. 19 this hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both secure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek.”

Don’t let Satan convince you that you don’t trust in God. Let your doubt drive you deeper into God promises for your life. If you don’t know what that is, ask because, James 1:5-8, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” Don’t be tossed around, let God’s truth be your anchor, choose to trust and change your perspective. It’s the one time I will say, the grass is really greener on the other side.

when God speaks

There is a note in my phone that has been saved for 101 weeks now. For the first time since I wrote it down I’ve come across it. Take a moment to think about where you were 101 weeks ago? Almost exactly two years ago. You probably don’t remember, do you? I remember… I remember exactly what happened 101 weeks ago.

I was currently working at a boutique in Franklin, TN. I recently on a whim applied for a flight attendant position at Southwest Airlines. About two months had passed and I hadn’t received a phone call. I was really down on myself. I really felt like becoming a flight attendant was what I was supposed to do. I felt called into ministry, mission work, teaching, and loving on people… Being a flight attendant would allow me to be flexible with my time, take time off to travel, to minister, to do mission work, to teach and love on people.

I was going to college and nothing felt “right”. I was longing for this sense of belonging to coincide with my purpose in life. I was seeking every possible direction. I remember this day clearly… I had been crying earlier before going in to work. I was a full time student working two jobs and I felt I was burning my candle at both ends. This woman walked into the boutique and I didn’t say hi. I didn’t even make eye contact with her. I was hurting. I didn’t want to talk. Anyone who knows me, knows that this isn’t normal behavior for me. To someone who doesn't know me, well, it just seemed like I was a typical bitchy 20 year old.

As she walked around the boutique I didn’t look up from the register once. Before I knew it she left, and I kicked myself for how rude I was. Maybe 5 minutes had passed and the same girl was standing right in front of me holding out a cup of hot tea.

“I got this for you.” she said as she handed me the cup.

I looked at her very confused.

“I know you don’t know me, but I was in here just a few minutes ago and I couldn’t help but sense that something was wrong.” she continued. “I just really feel on my heart that I’m supposed to share these words with you.”

Seconds later she spoke the words that have been typed in my phone for 101 weeks now.

“You are not hidden. God sees you, and it may be tough right now, and you may be wondering if you’re at the right place, or doing there right thing, but you’re exactly where He wants you. Your time is coming and you won’t be blinded from what God is calling you to do.”

And just like that I crumbled in front of this stranger who I was so incredibly rude to just 10 minutes prior.

I sobbed. 

Like, ugly cry sobbed.

I couldn’t stop. Her words pierced through me as if God had spoken them himself.

That day changed me, it changed how I looked at life, how I viewed people, and it reminded me to always speak what I feel on my heart because you have no idea how much the person on the receiving end may need to hear it.

I haven’t looked at that note since, mainly because its been ingrained in my DNA. But isn’t it amazing, how just when your heart starts to forget that beautiful reminder God lets you stumble across that note again?

Here I am, 101 weeks later. Working as a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines. I just got back from Thailand, witnessing first hand incredible people changing lives all because they believed, and God revealed His timing. I am exactly where I wanted to be 101 weeks ago, yet I still relate to this note. Feeling like I’m not in the right place, or maybe not doing the right thing. 

Our hearts will always long for more, because we were created for more. We were created for more than just viewing each day the same. We were created for more, and loved more than the sun and the moon, and everything that keeps earth spinning in orbit. You are still alive, still breathing because you have purpose, God is not done with you… You are NOT hidden. God sees you, and it may be tough right now,  and you may be wondering wondering if you’re at the right place, or doing there right thing, but you’re exactly where He wants you. Your time is coming and you won’t be blinded from what God is calling you to do.

Don’t ever forget this beautiful reminder.

*** Also, keep a look out, a blog post about my incredible trip to Thailand is headed your way this week :)